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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
From: *Santa Claus*

Subject: *Southern Santa*

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a
differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' **** dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen." when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti,
on Elliott and Petty."

5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely
to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street
" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and
dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

*Santa Claus*

Hope everyone has a Very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a prosperous New Year...


5,714 Posts
Nice! Dammit, wish I lived further south, heh heh!

7,412 Posts
Around where I live, the raindeer would be fair game.. Santa would also drive a old 4X4 with mud tires, and then women silohett truck driver stickers on the back glass.
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