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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
 

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#2

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
 

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#3

This bass player is walking down the beach when he sees this beautiful voluptuous woman in a bikini lying out in the sun. He figures he has nothing to lose so he walks up to her and asks if he can feel her breasts. "No you can't feel my breasts," she answered. "Get out of here."
So the bass player walks away, but decides to try again. He asks the woman if he can feel her breasts for $100.
"No, not even for a hundred dollars," says the woman. "Leave me alone. The bass player is discouraged, but decides to try one more time. He walks back up to the woman and asks her if he can feel her breasts for $500.
"For $500? Okay, I guess I'll do it for 500," says the woman. She then takes her top off and the bass player grabs her boobs. All of a sudden he starts saying "oh my god, oh my god."
"Why do you keep saying that," the woman asks.
The bass player replies, "Oh my god, where am I going to get $500."
 

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#4

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to please you."
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands as if he has just finished working..
"Who the hell are you?" the husband asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"
 

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Re: #4

YZFRob said:
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to please you."
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands as if he has just finished working..
"Who the hell are you?" the husband asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little bastards!"

ok most were funny :D but you've taken away my will to try and keep up with your post count
 

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:crackup :crackup :crackup
Those little bastards :laughing

Peace Out
 
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