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New rules for 2006

For those having trouble making New Years' Resolutions, I humbly offer this list. Many of these will not apply to you, but, dammit, they need to apply to SOMEBODY.

1. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, it's because you don't particularly like them or give a shit! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days - he's mowing my lawn.

2. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? You're lucky it was only a finger. If it were a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

3. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blond teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: "lucky bastards". And yes, it's true: every guy who says, out loud, something like, "My God, that's terrible" or " What has the world come to?" is secretly saying to himself "I wish it happened to me!!"

4. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. If you only have One? Fine, make it into two. Problem solved. ..>

5. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water, pour some bourbon over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water.

6. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet n'-Low and one NutraSweet," you're such a big asshole that you'll probably capture regular sized assholes in orbit around you. You might as well ask the kid to fly the space shuttle. You're clogging up the line with that type of order, dumbshit.

7. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it
translates to "beef with broccoli." Spirituality is revealed by a dedication
to ideals that transcend the gratification of the self, not by low-rise
jeans. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. Do you really think that spiritual Chinese wear American characters on their butt cracks?

8. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

9. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. Be creative for a change? ..>

10. N ew Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for new homes and babies' first poop party and
graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other
people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's called "Social Extortion."

11. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. Now get out of my face!

12. New Rule: When I ask how old your kid is, please don't tell me in
months. "Oh, He's 27 Months." Cut it out. "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Maybe with these simple rules to follow in 2006 life would a little better and I won't feel the need to shoot 1/2 as many people.
 

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Tacticalsolutions said:
11. New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. Now get out of my face!
That is so true, I've always been a little scared of the black guy in the bathroom of Tiki Bob's. I don't think the management knows that he is in there. They sure as hell don't know that he pulls like $200 a night handing people towels.
 
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